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How could he disappear after he was so totally into me? Why does he pull away every time we get close? Was it just about the sex? How could he not be interested in me? Will he ever commit? What the bleep is going on in this relationship? Is it him or is it me? Truth is, men are at least as hard to figure out as women. Their behavior can be confusing, frustrating and maddening. They tease us with clever poems, daily texts and calls, only to turn around in the blink of an eye and completely disappear or disappoint us.
The bad news is they are also scared, and they push real intimacy or commitment away. Men fear being overwhelmed and taken over in an all-consuming relationship void of any video games, sporting events or nights out with the guys. Believe it or not, they also fear rejection and abandonment. And all these fears play out in a variety of ways. Men play out unconscious and conscious games which create a maddening push-pull with your heart. Some of them are much more ingrained and difficult for the guy to overcome than others.
I rate the degree of difficulty of each pattern, based on my clinical experience, on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the most challenging. I have also divided the patterns into three groups: easier to overcome; moderately difficult; and most challenging those I advise you to stay away from. When you learn to clearly see who you are dealing with and understand his patterns:. Date him or dump him? In order to have emotional freedom in dating it is important to be like an anthropologist in the world of men — to study them and understand their unique qualities and attributes. You need to suspend judgment about what a man ought to be like.
We expect a lot based on fairy tales, romantic movies and the media: the all-perfect prince is supposed to come along and sweep us away to the magic kingdom of love. But real life is not a fairy tale or a movie.
There are no perfect guys. So how do you know whether to date him or dump him? So here are eight key questions to ask about the guy and the relationship:. Here are five of the 16 patterns, their degrees of difficulty 10 is the most challenging and my recommendations for handling each.
He is a super-duper caretaker, a Mr. Fix-It who tries to be romantic too. Your happiness is his happiness. Underneath it all he is insecure and feels not good enough — so he seems clingy and smothering. If you are firm and he realizes he has to find his own happiness and stand up for himself or lose you, he will step up.
Over time he could evolve into a great partner! He is afraid of honest straight talk and very afraid of conflict. If differences come up he pulls away and prefers to communicate by e-mail or texts. Many men have some degree of this pattern. You can break through by using positive talk, where you present your concerns in a loving, warm and clear way.
He is totally on your wavelength and crazy about you from the very first e-mail or glance at your photo. Chances are he is a serial monogamist who has brief periods of being in mad, passionate love with you, then the next, and the next one, following the path of chemistry, wherever it may lead. He has a hard time making up his mind, like he is never sure that the job he has is really the best one for him. Online dating has made this pattern very common. Because there is such a smorgasbord of women, men with this inclination are constantly looking to see whether they can do better.
It is usually best to move on before he does. He has grand dreams and plans that have been just over the horizon for years. He may be cute and engaging as he passionately describes all that he is going to do. But this is the guy who consistently shoots himself in the foot so that he misses the finish line. Unless he has started to seriously engage in therapy or coaching, you will not be able to rescue this guy.
No, not even you. Who are the keepers? Men can vary a great deal in just how stuck they are.
That is, work his way out of his own self-sabotaging pattern? Once again, no man is perfect. Of course, neither are you. So ask yourself: How much does this man want to have love, that is, love with you in his life? What is he willing to do or change to have that special, lasting experience? Armed with this knowledge you can quickly get away from guys who are DUDs Definitely Unworkable Dudes or relationships that are truly dead-end or even destructive. And then you will be free to choose the ones you want, the ones who give you love that is just right for you.
Diana Kirschner, Ph. IE 11 is not supported. For an optimal experience visit our site on another browser. Share this —. Follow today. More Brands. Have you ever wonderedWhy do men play mind games with women they love
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9 Intense Mind Games Men Play & Why They're s He Doesn't Want A Relationship With You