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When I composed that I was more considering the feeling then, and the feeling today. It is not chaotic. I am not frazzled. I am not wringing my hands over what my partner might or might not have felt. Ah, shit your questions do bring comparisons though. His commands differ in that they don't feel issued with a "do this to please me". That was over and done with almost before we started.
It was from the equation. I already knew and had accepted that we do not engage in things we both do not want. I wasn't treating him like a "science experiment" testing questioning grabbing the control away just to the responses. There was a point where I had to make a choice to either be organic with him and what could happen, or be forced and not get the most out of our chemistry. So, it wasn't necessarily his commands that were different. It was also because of a choice I made to treat him different, to trust. The tasks were different by default. I've never been commanded to repeatedly draw heat and pain to the surface myself.
Each blow to my thigh or cunt hit twice once with the command, once with my choice to make a strike. This turned it into almost something transcendent. Fuck yeah I consider this domination. But as as it came I found it not grotesque but very ill-fitting.
It was immediately evident that the times I had used that before had been unnatural, unorganic and used to I don't know by my own machinations strip myself of the experience and also to take control but using words like Sir to say "goddamn I'm paying attention and obeying". Like something clicked into place. Looking for friendship, maybe more Hi, I'm 50, and gay. I'm also a BBW. I'm more on the butch side. I'm looking for girly, or butch it doesn't matter to me, but what does matter is someone with a big heart, honest, has respect for others, and one who doesn't play.
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